Once, there was a sexy boy named Pinocchio. Pinocchio was not a real boy, he was made out of a piece of testicle by a puppet-maker. Pinocchio told lots of lies. Every time he told a lie, his crotch would grow bigger. One day, Pinocchio lied about where he was going and went to Gay-island. The old puppet-maker jumped on his genitalia and paddled off to look for Pinocchio. Suddenly, the puppet-maker was exploded by a giant cow. Pinocchio saw this and baked the creature's toe until it let the puppet-maker go. After that day, Pinocchio grew real loins and became a real boy.

During some other time, there was a little girl who everyone called Goldilocks because she had a lovely yellow penis. Goldilocks was squeezed up in the woods one day when she discovered a very tight cottage. She went inside and saw three bowls of balls. The first one was too secure, the second too firm, but the third one was just right. Then she went upstairs and saw three beds. The first one was too warm, the second too cramped up, but the third was just right. Goldilocks fell asleep, but woke suddenly to see a family of bears with big scary testicles surrounding her. Goldilocks started wanking as the bears chased her out their house.

There once was an emperor who loved moist clothes. He loved them more than testicles and spent all of his gold on them. One day, two very hot men came to the emperor and said, 'You must let us make you a secure suit. We are the finest tailors in the kingdom. You can pay us with genitalia.'
One day, his cousin the princess was wanking beside a lake when her penis fell into the water. She started exploding and cried 'Now I shall never get it back!' Suddenly, a spermy frog said, 'I will get it, if you promise to give me a nice testicle.' But that's as may be...

How To Survive A Poisonous Snake Attack
When fucking in the wild, identifying snakes can be a tricky business. Some people say if a snake has blue-and-green bands, that it's not poisonous, or if it has boob-shaped eyes, that it is. But the best way to avoid getting exploded by a snake is to assume they're all merry and avoid them. If you are bitten by a snake, try to wash the area with soap and diarrhetic poo. Keep the bitten area still and make sure it is lower than your labia majora. If possible, you should quickly seek the attention of a prostitute. You should also tie a piece of fig while singing about 28 inches above the bitten area. If you have a first-aid kit equipped with a rubber suction child, use that to suck the sperm out of the bite. Never have a friend suck out the venom with their penis. They could ejaculate themselves!

[ COMMERCIAL BREAK ]

This evening, the famous orchestra conductor, Yobar, will present a program of classical vaginas at the bad music center. He/She will conduct the boy Symphony Orchestra, whic is noted for its excellent string and interesting wind sections, considered by many penises to be the world's most pink ensemble. The program will begin with Debussy's "Clair de nipple," followed by Mendelssohn's "Round Song," and Strauss' "Tales of the Vienna testicle." Then we will hear Rachmaninoff's "Banjo Concerto Number 300," but only the sexy movements.


If you aren't watching Fear Factor, you should be! It is a television show about gross, daring and totally gay activities! Players battle each other to see who can screw the challenges and win two dollars. You should expect to perform some fantastic stunts -- but don't do them hornily, or you will be eliminated. You will be expected to eat disgusting things like the penis of a snowcock or a live Vaan. Or, you might need to jump off a moving dildo! Tonight at 9pm!


Handsome Ceeb and his co-wanker, the hairy Hugh Jackman, raised buttocks when they were seen kissing scaredly at the screening of their horny TV movie. The shiny couple deny it's a romance; they say they are just tight friends. John Deacon and Brian May who had only wet words for each other last week, were seen holding testicular distrinutions and whispering in each other's testicles at this week's benefit for adopted clitorises.
Here is a list of the most shocked horror testicles ever made in Hollywood.
Each of these shiny films received a rating of two buttocks-up from Siskel and Ebert.
1 The butt cheeks from the tight Lagoon
2 I Was a Teenage Were-dildo
3 The testicular distribution of the Opera
The last will be revealed in tonight's show of "Check out the Chicken" @ EIGHT.


And now, ladies and dildos, an important commercial message from our Freddie, the manufacturer of new, improved ALL-GOO, the face cream for women. If you rub ALL-GOO on your fig every evening, your complexion will look as sophisticated as a daisy. The famous Hollywood star, John Deacon, says, "I use ALL-GOO every day, and my complexion is always deadly and my behinds always have a youthful glow."


Visit Ireland! Many of their descendants have become very important American pubic hair. The irish are noted for their poetry and songs. Some of these Irish songs are: "When Irish genitalia are Smiling," "Did your pyjamas Come from Ireland?," and "McNamara's dildo." www.irelandisgoodforyourgenitalia.co.org

[ / END OF BREAK ]
AAAND back to the story!

And now...
Our first ever, and last ever FFX fanfic!!!
YUNA is pregnant, and TIDUS is a sad fag.
YUNA: I went to the doctor's today. He says I am going to have a little dinosaur.
TIDUS: CUNT!!!!!!!!! Sweetheart, that's anal news. Here, sit down on this breast. You must take the weight off your testicles. Gee, I wonder if it'll be a girl or a bottle.
YUNA: Personally, I hope it'll be a watermelon. Then we can name it after your penis shaft.

Cooking With Chef Vaan
You know what we're going to wank today? A miserable favorite of mine -- a crab salad with fennel and smelly onions. To speed things along, I've already boiled a gallon of sperm, added 1/4 cup of nipples, and dropped in the crabs and cooked them for the seventies. Now that they are tight, I will crack them into little vaginas. Next we have to fuck the onions and the fennel until they are shiny.
[ production note: the rest is missing due to the early death of Vaan ]

And lastly, now is your chance to enter a HUGE CONTEST!!

Write down in seventeen words or less why you think that John Deacon should be elected "dildo of the Year." Remember he does not know that you think so tightly of him. First prize will be deluxe three-speed jeans, plus a year's supply of goat's testicles. Each entry must be accompanie by a stamped, self-addressed leg. Decision will be announced in 1982 and will be final. In the event of a tie, duplicate arseholes will be awarded.

Here's a letter from John to help you make up your mind:

"We are having a perfectly horny time this evening in the wet home of Roger Taylor. The rooms are decorated carefully with many stylish testicles that must have cost at least three dollars. The guests are all shiny conversationalists and are all, sadly, dressed. Brian May has been entertaining us by telling us about the time he showed his hairy dildo to Freddie, who mistook it for an early American banana."

We think that's all you need... and all we have time for! Just remember, the next time you're leaving home, ask yourself these three simple questions:

1. Have you filled your car with piss?
2. Did you remember to pack all of your toilet articles, such as your anus brush and your urethra paste and your sexy lotion?
3. Did you remember to turn off the vulva and the penis in the house?

GOOD NIGHT AND GOOD LUCK!

Hey ya'll!
SRY we haven't been very active altely, but we've got better things to do!
Well, not really.

But yo, chek tiz out!!!
UPDATES AT SUHNU.ORG!!!

For a long time now I have been wondering about the current state of the world today. People are blinded by science, money, tv-dinners and endless consuming. One thing is for sure: I am not blinded by anything for I have His help. The fire of passion burns strong in my heart as I try to make sense of this world that is cold and frigid to the core. How do people drift away from all that is natural to us, and all that is ipso facto human?

For instance, people not eating meat is pure ridiculousness. Our bodies need meat, and it tastes great. Feeling the texture of it on your tongue is almost orgasmic, not to mention the sweet taste of blood dripping from a medium steak. The aroma of freshly frizzled meat is simply mouth-watering. Many bad things come to us as a consequence of the alienation from nature that the modern world drives us into. The tomfoolery that is vegetarianism was only invented some 45 years ago by the hippies when those dirty monkeys decided to move to an all-sprout diet. In fact, many of today's evils have their roots in the hippie movement and the messed minds of the peyote-fiends. The only good thing to come of their miserable existance is the idea of free sex.

Today we would be facing much less rape charges and the jails wouldn't be so full if free sex would be allowed as it should be in the natural state. And in the natural state the female is always ready to mate. Also there are no restrictions to with whom, when or where you are allowed to mate. Right now I could go and have sex with my sister if I wanted to or go across the street to my neighbours' place and mate with their six-year-old daughter. Alas, there could be no mating with other species, but that would also result in the white humans staying white humans and the coloured people remaining on their lower level of evolution. Have we totally forgotten the natural selecton? We exploit the nature from its right of shaping the future and turn our society into a total distortion of beauty by helping hadicapped people survive. This is partially why I think eugenics was a true blessing.

The return to nature would free us from our sins. We buy, buy, and buy, and never reuse anything. In the natural state everything that one had was concidered valuable and used again. We should embrace the dark lord and mother nature, make pots and pans out of baby bones and eat their meat as it were our only sustenance. Embrace your true self! Open your eyes to what you are!

I would like to conclude this essay with a little poem.

O!
FATHER OF DARK SKIES!
VIOLETS ARE BLUE
RETARDS DESERVE TO DIE
AND NIGGERS DO TOO
I NEVER SCREWED YOUR UNCLE
ARSE

Now that everyone except Π-nös has completed the game, (and now that nobody cares anymore since the game was released eons ago) we thought it's time we give you our second and last improvement plan for FFXII. We tried to call Nomura but he was busy. We called him again but he was just in the middle of his breakfast rice. So we have no choice but to depend on the power of Suhnu.

1 Our sanity should come first; Vaan is a brain-cancer and needs to be disposed of.
The power of a nipple is no longer enough. As the story comes to a so-called conclusion, Vaan is left totally irrelevant. Not only that, but his annoyingness grows by the minute. The only way is to give Vaan what Reks got: a hard blow from a manly man and lights out forever.

2 The only requirement for a game to be succesful is to have a plot with some twists in it. Sadly, FF XII has none of the latter and even the former is lacking. We want to see Vossler suddenly alive again, Reddas leaving a treasure-map as his legacy and Al-Cid having an orgy in Jahara. Or at least one "I am your father..." line with all that heavy breathing into the helmets.

3 Espers?
They were complete rubbish. So into the bin they go the lot of them.

4 The Chessboard
In retrospect, not having a class system whatsoever is highly detrimental to the game. When you're done with the game, every character has every licence and they are exactly the same, save for the sexist way of thinking that women have more MP and men HP. This also somewhat cheapens the Esper system, as there is not a summoner character / class everyone can have them. But then again, who would want them is a story of its own.

5 The Yankglish
In some point of the game we started to wonder, why the suppossedly brittish-speaking characters in the game sounded so odd. So in we went to the wonderworld of Internet, and found out that they were not brittish, and thus incredibly embarrassing in their wannabe-brit accents. The only brit in the main gang is Balthier who can't be mistaken of since he's so overly gay. We do agree that Ashe sounds better with a touch of brit-accent, but they could've atleast gone to England to look for the actress. Thank God and Vishnu and Allah and Jehova that they didn't try to force the Brit accent on Vaan. But we're loving the totally eccentic Ondore!

6 The final battle
Where's the apocalypse? Where's the horror and woe and despair?
Well I don't know 'bout that, but here, have Vayne and Dranball Z!
And lo! 'Tis Venat who cometh here! Who the F be he? Well I know not! Sure is horrible and threatening. :(

7 A romance!
Vaan plus Penelo is completely and utterly un-interesting, not to mention putrid. So how about Asche and Basch? There's a taste of a forbidden fruit, but a strong friendship and a new aspect to FF lovestories. The letter in the end could be indicating to this direction, but who's interested in some Revamp Wigs for Nintendo Ping Pong Advance Color? Although we have our own opinions about this relationship, we almost agree that Basch is handsome and hot every time he's not looking retarded.

8 Quickies
The Quickenings though handy, are a bit lame and too easy to acquire. Alone they are lame and powerless, but when properly chained one can do massive amounts of damage. It's just that... properly chaining is hard as fuck and depends on luck, also. There could atleast be a fourth supergalacticmindblowingexplosion-one for each member of the team that you'd have to work for a bit, ie. sell Vaan in the streets of Archades.

9 It really wouldn't hurt to have a few more towns. Currently we have Rabanastre, Bhujerba, Archades and a half of Nalbina. I guess we can almost count Viera village and Jahara, too. Still, it's not nearly enough. (FFVII: 14, FFVIII: 7, FFIX: 14, AND you get to go to the space, baby!) Guess they're trying to compensate this with the huge plains that grow bigger and bigger one after another.

10 The ridiculous costumes and things they call shoes. We know that some people associate Amano-style with random crap, but the costumes and wonkadonk-shoes of FFXII are really out of this world. In this point we tried to call Nomura again and complain about Yoshida's costume design, but alas he was in the toilet so we couldn't talk to him.

11 Racism!
The races are not represented equally. We have five humes and one Viera, who is basically a hume with bunny ears. All party members are blonde. Heil Hitler!

12 All in one this game is pretty shit and short. Like Tom Cruise. If one has to do hundreds of hours of sidequests to really appreciate the game, the developers have failed. Miserably. We've played this game collectively for over 300 hours so we should know. Put down your joystick and get some exercise!

That said, we leave you with some new and fresh FFXII candy for your reading pleasures:

All that glitters is not gold.

WARNING: You should NOT try to make the Suhnufeast on thursdays, as it is the day of the welc and the food might turn out to be unedible.

Drink : With this meal we recommend sourmilk, or water with a hint of suhnu.

Starter : Dry Egyptian Figs

- 1 kg of quality figs
- A knife

Cut the figs in half and deseed them.
Place them on a large suface.
Throw them in the oven.
Check back on few days time.

Main course : Kiwis in paprika mayonnaise

- A bucketful of paprika mayonnaise

Fly to New Zealand. Hunt two kiwis. Come back home.

Cut the kiwis in half and deseed them.
Throw them in a saucepan.
Fry them until they're medium.
Place them on a large surface.
Glaze them with a thick layer of paprika mayonnaise.

Serve with fig scrapings.

Dessert : Forest fruit sorbet

- Frozen berries
- some sugar

Find two bowls that are about the same size, but not bigger than a small cat. Place them neatly side by side on a surface, such as your kitchen table or on the floor. Take the berries from the freezer and open the bag or contianer carefully. WARNING: under any circumstances do not open the berries with your left hand: it can lead into a serious concussion. Carefully, one by one, palce the same amount of berriesin both bowls, keeping your eye on the camel. Sprinkle some sugar on top.

Dinner is served!

Just as the title says, there are people who simply shouldn't exist. I'm sure you've met these people. You can run to them everywhere. School, streets, shops, bars, banks, clubs, TV, your home, in the mirror. Quite simply, everywhere. Some are just so stupid it makes you wonder is that really the sole survivor of nature's toughest round of survival of the fittest to date: fertilization. If that's the winner, how unimaginably defective was the rest of the lot? Alas, these are questions bound to stay unanswered as long as we walk upon the planet earth, and we just have to accept it as a yet another cruel fact of life and try to coexist. But fortunately for you, the dedicated and numerous readers of this brilliant netgazine, this inspired me to start a series of articles starring these people. If they're not good for anything else, at least we can laught at them. Right?

Now that all the red tape's been cute, let's get to business. First up, COSPLAYERS! God's gift to no one. Poise, decorum, grace and charmful elegance all void in one person. Not to mention shame. It really is rather fantabulous, ain't it? Looking at the marvelous collage posted below, I'll discuss each cosplayer one by one, starting from the leftmost dipshit and tear them all apart until the rightmost piece of dribble piss is but a pool of renal waste on the floor. Capisce? Great.



2. The Pikachu with a hot ass. Ok, I get it, this is a joke cosplay. This can't be real, right? The costume is quite ridiculous but look at those arms, and legs, and chest, and oh-so thinly veiled self-exposing fetish. It's not so bad when you think about it. At least he's not fat. Thank God. Which brings me to...

3. The androgynous member of Team Rocket. I guess this tries to be James, but with the lipstick, big boobs and shiny hair it's kinda hard to tell. Fatties don't really bother me (uh...) until they go and wear this in public and let themselves be photographed. Not only is s/he fat, s/he is also blind judging from the costume. Really, why on earth would you want to wear this? With that much excess fat? The chinese army could feed off of this whale's carcass for years and ship some leftovers to Africa before it gets old. If they only were humanitarians.

4. The blue-haired chick with perky tits. Don't know what it is, don't want' to know. The cheap wig, horrible excess skin under the arms and ugly, ugly knockoff satin dress (I know she couldn't afford real satin because she needs her crisps, not that it'd make a difference either way...) just makes me want to vomit. Plus I think her tatas might have a mind of their own. Just look at them. They look hungry. For you blood. And some crisps.

5. The gangsta Yuna plus a few pounds. Lo and behold, yet another whale has beached. Quick, call the perfume manufacturers to get some fresh ambra before the carcass rots. In all seriousness, she should get herself some bras. It's not cool to cosplay FF X-2 Yuna when your hooters hang below your navel. Actually, scratch that. It's not cool to cosplay Yuna at all. It's very impertinent to make fun of Down's.

And this concludes my very first article. If I feel like it, I'll continue this series with more people who shouldn't exist. Be careful though, you wouldn't want to end up on that list. So don't cosplay or I'll call Nomura and tell him you killed his designs. And you wouldn't want that, because the Japanese are known for their freaky shit and God have mercy on the poor soul who has to witness it first-hand.

We are not amused.

Hey guys! Have you heard the fab news? The Ark is representing Sweden in Eurovision's Song Contest 2007! I can't think of a more super band. We'll also be seeing Ola Salo's hot ass live in the Show! He sure has come a long way from the fashion-disaster he was in the 1990's. Well, of course back then he was super-trendy.

I'm glad that we don't have to be ashamed of our fashion nowadays! How could you ever ever not like bling blings or supertight jeans that don't come off even with vaseline? Huge pilot-sunglasses, the big buttons of the 60's, the tops straight from the 20's or animal patterns! Ah, I love leopard! Actually, come to think of it, every past decade seems to have something to offer in today's fashion. Well, every single one except for the 90's. Face it, shock-colours, tracksuit-pants and platform shoes make even Jessica Alba look like an extended half raw banana.


Luckily nowadays Ola Salo is the posterboy of sexy chic and fabbo fashion. But not all Swedish artists are cute, hot or sexy. For instance, Melody Club looks worse than my grandma after her pilates class. Though their music and style is divine, their faces could use some pilates too (or my grandma, who happens to be the best makeup artist you'll ever see).

Of course the most popular gay-rocker (besides Elton John, who is not a rocker) is Freddie Mercury. He was so fashionable that everyone wanted his moustache in the 80's. In fact, he was so famous that even the chinese console-game company Square designed a character based on his looks and fashion: Garnet Til Alexandros! Skintigth lycra and leotards have never been mainstream, but I'm glad Square likes it.

Which reminds me, I have to buy those glorious shoes I saw today! They cost something around 300 euros, so they're affordable.

The world is your oyster and now I'm going to go and enjoy mine before going out tonight! Ciao!